


To Need and Be Needed

by onlyhereforellick



Category: NCIS
Genre: F/M, post-ep 17x17
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:41:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23294179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlyhereforellick/pseuds/onlyhereforellick
Summary: But what if it was okay? To need and be needed? To not have to do it all alone? To know you could, but you didn’t want to?
Relationships: Ellie Bishop/Nick Torres
Comments: 9
Kudos: 76





	To Need and Be Needed

**Author's Note:**

> don’t love how this one came out & I sure as hell don’t understand how it got so long 🤷🏻♀️

_Tomorrow. 6am._

The directive didn’t come as a surprise, Ellie knew her training was hitting its stride in recent weeks. Odette clearly didn’t seem to mind Ellie’s newfound obsession—she worked her hard- two sessions when they weren’t on an active case, and at least daily every other time. And honestly, Ellie had never felt more…alive.

When every single cell in her body felt as if it was vibrating- contracting and expanding on the brink of bursting. Every muscle fiber coiling with rage, pure fury ready for its timely release. Every thought directed to one purpose and one purpose only— _kill Xavier_.

Ellie knew.

She knew she couldn’t even when her body was literally tensed waiting to pounce on the son of a bitch like a lioness stalking its prey. Rip him to shreds for the pain he’d caused. She knew it would lead straight back to her, that small logical voice- the one that saved her and screwed her sometimes- that voice managed to whisper through the red, clouded vision. Remind her of that tiny thing called motive that she and she alone had.

But that voice had a friend, the little devilish piece of her conscious that recalled a certain conversation held months ago, a certain offer that still stood if and when she was ready.

Ellie was far past ready.

Her truck arrived at Ziva's old office before Ellie recognized where she’d gone. One look at her unseeing fiery eyes and Odette didn’t even need to ask. She’d directed her to the garage without another word. Sleep never came that night, replaced by endless punches, jabs, kicks. The start of a burgeoning friendship- and a renewed sense of purpose.

Ellie had felt like she finally was _doing_ something. Finally taking matters into her own hands. She didn’t have to rely on others anymore- it wouldn’t be Nick kicking down doors, it wouldn’t be Ziva swiftly disarming the suspect, it wouldn’t be Gibbs with the timely takedown.

It would be her. She could take care of her damn self, she could fight. And most importantly- she could keep those closest to her safe.

At least that’s what she told herself. It was a new Ellie- one that didn’t feel pain, not like old Ellie. She remembered chuckling quietly aside when McGee suggested the rainy day Kondo clean out. Ellie had already packed up much of her apartment- her entire wardrobe essentially in piles to be donated, all of her kitchenware in boxes to get rid of, the majority of her photos and keepsakes whittled down to only the most important and kept in a small shoebox by her front door.

The moment her landlord upped her rent she had her excuse. She gave her one month notice, donated her bags and bags of the _old Ellie_ and took her essentials and moved out. She told no one, they’d all try to convince her against it. Ziva’s lease on the office was up the end of the month, so Ellie convinced Odette to let her take over the contract seamlessly. A few finishing touches and it was officially hers- right and ready for _new Ellie_.

* * *

_You need help with your five thousand other boxes?_

Nick had texted her a few hours ago, Ellie left it unanswered during her training until a second message came through.

_Oh no have you drowned in clothes? Do you need saving?_

A wry laugh broke the silence surrounding her. Sitting alone on the beige futon, only in the company of singing crickets outside, Ellie enjoyed the irony of Nick’s question. It encompassed the whole point to her training- _she didn’t want to need to be saved._

Sure, Nick wouldn’t understand that, likely didn’t even mean that in the text. But it hit home to Ellie, drove the nail in by the head.

_Hah, I’m good! Thanks._

Turning her phone off to the rest of the world, Ellie settled back in breathing a sigh of contented relief. She felt stronger, more capable, more prepared. It was the biggest weight off her shoulders in a long, long time.

* * *

Her routine in the coming weeks remained simple—she trained with Odette any chance she got, avoided questions about figuring out her increased rent, deflected when the team mentioned getting together for drinks at someone’s place.

She could feel herself shutting Nick out little by little—pushing away any talk of movie nights or early morning jogs, barely responding to his texts, only interacting when necessary at work.

She could see his questioning looks, doubtful glares when she turned down an invite again. She could sense his frustration and confusion at the distance she was creating in their relationship.

But she couldn’t stop it. Ellie had convinced herself this is what she needed. New Ellie _had_ to be different than old Ellie. _She had to_. She couldn’t fall into her old ways of relying on the male figure in her life for guidance, for strength. The moment she almost broke- well, did break if she was being honest, it shifted something inside her. Realizing her entire mental well-being had hinged on a man she wasn’t even in a relationship with. A man who for all intents and purposes, was nothing more than a coworker. She was seconds from committing premeditated murder for a coworker. And when said coworker returned from leave? It was as if nothing had happened.

Yeah. She wouldn’t make that mistake again.

* * *

_Bacon brown sugar chips & Chinese with your name on it. Deathly Hallows, your place, 8pm?_

Nick stared at the message delivered over an hour ago gone ignored. No three blinking dots, no half-assed excuse, nothing. He couldn’t remember a time Ellie passed up one of those things, let alone all three together. He was reaching…and apparently falling flat on his face.

Her growing indifference to him shouldn’t have bothered him as much as it did, yet…

It was as if the second that Lamborghini hit him, their world halted and spun haphazardly, throwing them both off track- miles and miles apart from each other. Her distance had been so gradual he’d barely noticed until he was all but shut out. Hell he didn’t even know what the inside of her place looked like after her purge.

It was high time he changed that.

Scooping up the bags of boxed Chinese takeout, loading up the excessive amounts of chips and two part DVD set, Nick set off. Ellie would have a visitor whether she liked it or not.

* * *

Nick pulled his jeep up to the curb, and immediately a sense of dread washed over him. Making his way out of the car and rounding the hood, he noticed the pitch dark appearance to Ellie’s place. Not a single light illuminated, not even the small front porch light. The full-body foreboding feeling was not one he could shake as he slowly glided up the few steps to her door.

A firm knock echoed through the dark night…no answer.

Trying a second time, Nick added an extra flair to it, hoping to clue Ellie into his presence….nothing.

Pausing, Nick pressed his ear to the cool black door to listen for any signs of life. When he got utter silence in return, Nick glanced around- ensuring the remainder of the neighborhood and their prying eyes was tucked away before squatting down to pick the lock.

With his deft skills, the door popped open in no time. The slow high pitched creak of hinges that desperately needed oiling seemed to screech louder than usual in the dark apartment.

Nick peered in while calling out to announce his presence, “Ellie? You home?” He felt compelled to add even if she knew the sound of his voice, “It’s me, Nick.”

When no answer returned, he stepped completely across the threshold and flipped the hall light switch.

Not even two steps into the apartment and Nick froze in his tracks. The entire place...empty. Not just minimalistic- got rid of a lot of crap empty, it was stripped to its core, not a trace of a living being inside its four walls- empty.

_What the fuck..._

* * *

On the outside, Nick embodied poise and normalcy perfectly. Not a soul questioned him for weird behavior- no one even shot him an inquisitive look. On the inside though- Nick was fuming.

How could she not tell him?  
Could she not make rent?  
Where was she living?  
_Was she okay?_

A rational part of him knew that Eleanor Bishop had to have had a good reason to up and move out without so much as a notice to her team. And yet- she continued to come to work like nothing had changed. Like his world hadn’t shifted drastically the moment he saw the bare hardwood floor, empty walls. She had seemingly normal conversations with everyone, worked a case like before- if not more intensely than before. He would have literally never guessed she’d moved.

Was he pissed? Sure. But more importantly, he was _worried_. What happened that wrecked Ellie so deeply she felt like she couldn’t tell her own team- her family.

The second Gibbs gave them the all clear to leave that night, Ellie was out of her seat, bag in hand and halfway to the elevator. Nick paused, a half second behind, letting her get down the elevator before following quickly in the stairwell to reach the parking garage not long after her. He kept her truck always three cars ahead, taking due caution to ensure she didn’t catch on.

The winding road that took them in the complete opposite direction of her old place felt foreign. A nagging voice in his head seemed to believe he had come this way once before, but despite the effort, Nick couldn’t quite place it.

Rolling to a stop a few houses down the street, he saw Ellie park and hop out of the driver’s side to waltz down a path leading behind the house situated on the road. Perplexed, Nick took a second but soon jumped out of his car and hustled behind. Rounding the path it all came rushing back- Ziva’s office.

_What the hell?_

Ellie’s tousled golden locks disappeared into the small rectangular shack with a loud click of the door. Nick practically tripped trying to run down the hill, his heart beating so hard he thought it would escape his chest.

_Why was she here? Why was she with Odette?_

Nick didn’t trust that ex-CIA lady for a hot second. He certainly didn’t like the insinuation that Ellie was near her, let alone what more they might be doing.

Finally reaching the wooden door Nick brought up a clenched fist and wrapped a hollow-sounding knock three deliberate times. He was sure his face epitomized cold anger, but he couldn’t stop it. How could she not tell him about this?

The door whipped open to reveal Ellie in charcoal gray joggers, a white loose fitting crew neck, and hair up in a topknot. She’d never looked more gorgeous, and briefly Nick’s thoughts took a sharp turn to envisioning familiar nights curled up on a couch, sipping hot tea fingering through Ellie’s soft hair...

Blinking back to the present, Nick focused in on Ellie’s look of pure shock. Clearly, she never expected to see him here in a million years. Without waiting for an invitation, Nick sidestepped her frozen form and was welcomed by the warm smell of cinnamon and lavender. It had always been a weird mixture, but that was exactly why it suited Ellie and her home. Speaking of...

He did a pirouette and took in his surroundings- clothes hanging on a rack aside the cabinet, a select few of her favorite throw pillows and blanket on the futon in the corner, a couple small frames filled with her family, the team, and a piece of notebook paper on the antique desk at the far wall.

Nick turned back to face her, still rooted to her spot, the door now closed. “How long?” The question was empty but he knew she’d understand.

She spoke firmly, never breaking eye contact- the confidence he’d only gotten glimpses of before shining through now despite him catching her in deceit, “Three months.”

Nick couldn’t help the sharp inhale of breath as he realized she’d been living in a box for literal _months_ without him or anyone else noticing.

“Does anyone-“

“No. No one.” Ellie interrupted before pausing and adding, “Well, except now you.” She brought a hand up to gesture to his figure standing in the middle of her living arrangements before dropping it to her side.

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me, Ellie?” Nick asked incredulously, letting his emotions slip and get the better of him.

Bad idea.

A mask immediately fell into place, he could practically see her hackles rising. Her stance shifted ever so slightly and he swore he recognized it from a mixed martial arts class somewhere, defensiveness emanating off her in waves.

“I don’t _need_ to tell you anything.” The venom in her tone was not hard to miss. Her fingers clenched into fists and Nick caught the movement. In the low lamplight glow he noticed the slight purple hue to her knuckles he’d somehow missed before.

His eyes snapped back to hers, “Have you been- been training with _her_?” Nick couldn’t even bring himself to say her name- he didn’t trust her.

Ellie’s nostrils flared, fists squeezed tighter. Spitting through gritted teeth she rebuked, “It’s none- of- your- business.”

His temper flared, “The hell it’s none of my business Bishop! Of course it is!” He threw his hands up in the air in frustration, couldn’t believe his ears. “You’re risking your safety for what? A couple new moves?? Seriously?”

Ellie leaned forward, only a few inches from his face and her tone went lethally low, “ _My safety_ is exactly why I’m doing it. And the fact that you can’t understand that, is the whole damn point. I don’t _need_ you or anyone else to ‘save me’ anymore.”

Time to back-track, Nick raised both hands in surrender as he spoke more softly, “Oh I know, I know.” She raised an eyebrow in response, posture unchanged. “You don’t need me at all, I know. But imagine my surprise when I find an empty apartment instead of you sitting on your couch? Imagine my surprise when I realize my best friend has hidden a huge decision from me? Imagine my surprise when I learn you’ve been training with the woman who’s discharge from the CIA was redacted?” Nick paused, deflating slightly, “Why Ellie, why.” A sigh of exasperation slipped out as his tensed shoulders loosened.

Her fingers twitched at her side, eyes darting back and forth between his. A deep breath in through her nostrils and slowly out, a quiet voice that didn’t match her rigid stance spoke, “I am not who I once was. I _can’t_ be who I once was.” And her next affirmation seemed more directed inwards than toward him, “I do not need someone to risk their life- for mine.”

Her words sucked all the oxygen from the small wood shack. He recognized the sentiment the second it left her lips- his words from the hospital bed. Instantly his mind did the math—three months ago he’d taken the brunt of the car by shoving her out of the way, he’d been touch and go and she’s been left to deal with it alone, he’d come back to work and acted like all was fine. It was because of _him_.

But as he stood there, quickly thinking through her declaration, he realized- _Ellie got one part wrong._

Nick’s features softened and he moved to hold her still clenched fists that relaxed ever so slightly at his touch. “You may not need it Ellie, and trust me- I’m fully aware you can handle yourself and anything that comes your way. But, the problem is- I will always, _always_ risk my life to save yours. It’s not about your strength, or your courage, or your skill. It’s about you. I could not bear to live a single day on this earth without you in it. Your life is worth so much more than mine—“ Ellie cast a doubting look his way, “and I am prepared to spend my entire life proving that.”

* * *

Ellie’s mind faltered.

Surely he didn’t mean what she thought he meant. There was no way.

And if he even did say what she thought he said, what did she do? If she falls into his arms is that just falling right back into old Ellie ways? Is she doing the exact thing she wanted to escape from?

But what if it was okay? To need and be needed? To not _have_ to do it all alone? To know you could, but you didn’t _want_ to?

Ellie swallowed nervously, clarification was key before she jumped to too many conclusions. Her voice cracked slightly as she whispered, “What are you saying, Nick?”

“I’m saying...” as he stepped even closer, enveloping her in his heated embrace, palms splayed along the middle of her back, while her hands involuntarily when to rest flat on his muscular chest, “that I’d really like to kiss my badass partner who can take care of herself, but maybe could let me help from time to time?”

Her heart soared—he understood. Words escaped her so she nodded hesitantly, afraid to break the glow that seemed to surround them.

A smile burst across Nick’s face as he let out a low chuckle, “Well that’s good- because I’ve been dying to since the moment I noticed you framed my note.”

Ellie felt the rosy pink blush creep up her cheeks and bit her lip to keep from smiling too wide. Not one to pass up on the quip back despite the tender moment, she returned, “And I’ve been dying to since you walked in wearing my sweatshirt.”

Nick’s smile took on a smug grin before his head dipped towards herself. His lips hovering just millimeters from hers, and in a husky breath moments before giving in to what they both needed he revealed, “I’ve been dying to since the day I met you, Ellie.”


End file.
